What I lack in talent, I make up for with butter.

My daughter’s teacher just sent me this picture. She looks so cute… but if that dude doesn’t get his paws off her, I’m gonna punch him in the fucking face, I don’t care if he does wear glasses.

Don’t worry, I’m just kidding… for now.

AND/OR BALLS

Doing all the stereotypical shit I’m supposed to do at a baseball game right?

My first Yankees game!!!

Now I feel even worse about being bad at sports.

I relate some to Collins’ reluctance. I was a Theater Major and still vividly remember the shock I caused by coming out as straight.

I’m always happy when something like this happens. But I can’t wait til there’s a transgender basketball player. I feel like Transgenders are the Care Bear Cousins of the LGBT family.

But seriously, that’s gonna be some exciting shit. If you’d like a preview of the excitement, just watch the movie, Air Bud. (Mind you, I am not saying that that transgender people are dogs. I am saying that Air Bud is allegory on par with Animal Farm.)

Back to Collins. I think it’s brave of him to come out this late in his career as gay. He may only be 34, but that’s pretty old in basketball years…

and basically dead in gay years.

Good luck to all my gay brothers & sisters and to all my transgender cousins.

I was just walking home with my daughter after picking her up from preschool. She was running around and jumping and making fart noises from, I think, her mouth and giggling. Then she stopped…

Zoe: Daddy, I feel sick. I don’t wanna go to school tomorrow.
Me: Get outta town.
Zoe: Get outta town?
Me: Yeah, you need to get outta town… immediately.
Zoe: Where should I go?
Me: How about Ridiculous-ville? Because you are acting RIDICULOUS!

Zoe (after a pause): But mommy will miss me!

Me: Mommy’s been in Ridiculous-ville for the past 3 years… Hahahaha. Don’t repeat that!

All of the moms are single.

true story ;)

whoneedsfeminism:

[Ad reads: Becoming a donor is probably your only chance to get inside her.]

I need feminism because ads like this exist.

This ad doesn’t even make sense. Who are they talking to? Normally, organ transplants come from same sex donors. A male-to-female transplant has an 8% higher risk of failure.

So is this ad for lesbians? Because I doubt very seriously that “I wanna get inside her” is a thought that often crosses a lesbian’s mind. I could be wrong, as I am not a lesbian.

So, I’m assuming this is for a man. Because sex works so well in advertising, let’s sexualize organ transplants? Hmm. My penis is an organ, right? Is that what they’re referring to? But she can’t HAVE that. Sure, she can USE it… but no keepsies, I’m kind of attached to it.

Besides, the whole point is moot anyhow. After she has that hideous transplant scar, I wouldn’t wanna fuck her anyways. Gross.