How am I an adult?

At Starbucks, just ordered a “tall blonde, with a little room” then started laughing out loud, imagining what that would look like.

The blonde next to me was not impressed. But she needs to get over herself, she was nowhere near tall enough for the joke in my head to work.

Another shameless selfie, on set for Extreme Cheapskates.

Another shameless selfie, on set for Extreme Cheapskates.

Me, on set for TLC’s 90 Day Fiancé WITH A WALKIE/EAR PIECE (like a boss)

Me, on set for TLC’s 90 Day Fiancé WITH A WALKIE/EAR PIECE (like a boss)

Apparently my daughter knows…

This morning, my daughter jumped onto the couch next to me, got really close to my ear and loudly whispered, “Daaddddyyyy, do you know the word PEEENISSS?”

I started laughing uncontrollably and she said, “What are you laughing about?”

Me: “I just have NO idea where this conversation is going to go.”

Zoe, still whispering: “Well??? Do you know what PEENNISSS means?”

Me: “Yes. Do you?”

Zoe, with a knowing nod and a sly smirk: “That’s why you should never say it unless you whisper.”

Reason # 214 I love my daughter:

I’ve just introduced her to Mystery Science Theater 3000… and she likes it.

Her review: “I like the robots that tell funny bad jokes…. like you do.”

My kid might be funnier than me

Last night, at bedtime, I tripped over a cord near the foot of Zoe’s bed and said, “shit.”

Zoe, of course, said, “oooohhhh.”

So I said, “What? I said ship!”

She looked at sideways and said, “No you didn’t! You said the other word!”

"Uh uh, I said SHIP!"

She squinted her eyes and interrogated, “For real?” I nodded, but we both smiled.

Then later, as I was leaving her room, I tripped over the cord again and said “dammit” and closed the door, hoping she didn’t hear. But from inside her room, I heard her go “ooooohhhh.”

I opened her door, laughed and said “What? I meant DAM it… like dam the water?”

Zoe just smirked at me, knowingly, and said,”Oh right… for the ship.”

Zoe just said “I love you” to me, while we were walking up stairs…

I then said “I love you” back, directly into some guy’s butt.

Lesson learned: Don’t say “I love you” while walking up stairs or you WILL get a strange look from a guy, whose butt you just declared your heart to.

My Daughter Might Be Evil…

Zoe and I are sitting in a small park by our house.

Zoe: “Daddy, why aren’t you supposed to feed squirrels?”

Me: “Well, for one, when you give wild animals food, it makes them not afraid of humans. And if they’re not afraid of humans, they get too close to people and could get hurt or they could hurt people.”

Zoe: “Daddy, you know what I wanna do?”

Me: “What?”

(Pause)

Zoe: “I wanna MAKE squirrels afraid of humans…”

And then she laughed coldly… Let it be noted, that on May the Fourth, Zoe turned to the Dark Side.

Moth GrandSLAM - Derik Boik “In Your Face” AKA “My Best Friend’s Coma” 

This story was told, during the Moth GrandSLAM, at the Music Hall of Willamsburg on March 12, 2014.

It is about the time my best friend, Patrick, was placed in a medicated coma due to complications during his cancer treatment… it is also about the time I drank too much.

Every time I get my haircut…

I do an internet search and save some pictures of hair I like.

I realize now, that my phone has over a hundred copies of the same two photos of Ryan Gosling.